The Wingman’s Path

You’ve so got this!
And you and I, with a bunch of Wingmates, will definitely get the momentum on our side.

Check out my Summer of Fun Tour trailer…

Your Wingman,
Michael

I received this heartbreaking email from a friend and wanted to share my response in the hope that it might help you, or someone you know, experiencing a difficult loss.

“Good afternoon Michael, Im not sure if you were aware but my oldest son entered into eternity a little over 3 weeks ago, very unexpectedly…so, I’m in that stage of a shattered being right now…the days seem long and sometimes I don’t see a whole lot of what this so called life is really all about. But that will pass soon, I hope. As you probably do know, i respect your opinion so much, and I feel a little apprehensive in asking but I’ll do it anyway… Do you have any past wingman videos on death and dying, especially child related., as a child’s death is just not natural. If you do not, could you enlighten us with your thoughts on this? It would be most appreciated if you could and if you’re not able to I would totally understand. Thanks in advance, either way”.

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry for your loss. You honor me by asking if I have any videos, or thoughts and practices at this most challenging time.
As if there might actually be a practice that could dissolve your pain…

I’ve been struggling with what to write to you and I decided it might be best to do a FB live video for you, without using your name of course.

So that’s what I did and it is included below.

As for my thoughts, they’re simple.  I believe we are all eternal beings and you will be with your son once again.  I don’t know when, or how, or even what the configuration might be, but I feel certain we all meet up with our loved ones over and over as we travel through eternity.

As John Lennon said, “”I’m not afraid of death because I don’t believe in it.  It’s just getting out of one car, and into another.”

As for any practices, or things you can do to help you through your pain.  I am not a grief counselor, nor have I experienced your specific pain, but I have experienced pain and when I do, I do many different practices to help relieve it.  I’ve listed some here. Hopefully they will help.  Some are from the experts, along with one from me, one from a good friend nine months into a similar experience, and one from my wife, Jan.

1. My first thought comes from my Wingdog, Monte. He taught me that when you’re hurt and in pain it’s ok to go off by yourself and lick your wounds.  There is no time-table. Allow yourself as much time as is necessary, or as you want, to get stronger before getting back to “normal”.
   
   2. Speaking of normal, there is no “normal”.  There is only a new normal.  With that in mind, I do have a practice I call “3Rs.  Recognize. Regroup.  Reassess.

Recognize:  You don’t need me to tell you everything has changed.  But sometimes when we’ve had a bad loss, we seem to want to return to normal.  Recognize that your life has changed, or as my big-time doctor brother-in-law said to me as Janet lay in a hospital bed 15 years ago, having surgery to remove a lobe of her lung and the cancer within, “you want to try and get back to normal, well… as normal as you can after being hit by a bus”.  Recognize that your old normal is no more.

Regroup: Take as much time as you need or want.  Take care of yourself.  Heal yourself.  And take as much time as you desire.  Have I mentioned that?

Reassess: Your life has changed.  You now have a new normal.  What do you want your life to look like from now on?

3. From my friend and mentor, Dr. Bernie Siegel,who told me,  “When you’re going through hell ask yourself, what am I to learn from this”?

I’ve done this so often in my life and it usually helps me to stop beating myself up and gets my mind moving in a positive direction.

4. From Rumi, a 13th-century Persian poet, theologian, and Sufi mystic. 

Rumi wrote “The Guest House”, where he talks about our physical bodies being a guest house where all emotions visit, and states we should invite them all in, even the painful ones, especially the painful ones.  I can tell you I’ve done this practice by inviting my pain in for a cup of tea, and spoken with it.

Here is the poem…

5.  From the Buddha. The story of Kisa Gautami.  Kisa Gautami was a woman from a wealthy family whose only son died at the age of one.  In her grief, weeping and crying, she went from house to house carrying him in her arms, begging anyone and everyone for a way to bring him back to life.  Of course, nobody could help her but she would not give up.

Finally someone advised her to go see the Buddha.  When she carried her dead child to the Buddha and told him her story he listened with patience and compassion, and then told her there was one way to solve her problem.

But to do so he would need 4 or 5 mustard seeds, but they must be from a family that had not experienced death.  Kisa was excited and filled with hope, and immediately went to find such a household.  As she went from house to house, and village to village, everyone wanted to help her and offered her mustard seeds. Unfortunately every household she visited had experienced the death of a loved one.  It was then she learned what the Buddha wanted her to find out for herself, that suffering is a part of life and death comes to us all.  It is said that once she came to terms with death being inevitable, she was able to stop her grieving.

6.  From a good friend who is nine months into to the same, unfortunate journey and wanted to share some of what he has learned.

1.  Take your time.
2.  Drugs are most definitely ok.
3.  It’s ok to laugh.  It’s ok to set down the pain and laugh.
4.  Don’t worry about being judged by others. There is no right or wrong.

7. From my wife, Janet, who is a grief counselor and LCSW.  

To allay the feeling of grief, and in honor of him, consider doing one small thing each week.  Donate some clothes to a Veteran’s charity or domestic violence shelter, or maybe just a homeless guy on the street.  Collect some old books from around your house for a literacy program or a poor/defunded library.  Anything you come up with which may honor your son’s memory and for a few moments transmute the pain.

My thoughts, prayers, wishes and love are with you as you experience this terrible pain.  Please make certain to be kind to, and take care of, yourself.

Here is the video…

Michael

Ahhh… Stowe, Vermont in September.  What could be more beautiful?

We were all set for our latest house and dog sit on a ten-acre farm in Stowe.  We’ve been loving our travels all around the world, from the cliffs of Ireland to the cloud forest of Ecuador, the beaches of Thailand and Bali to the amazing, cosmopolitan Sydney, Australia. But, we started having a hankering for a little exploration right here in the USA.  And so, when a house and dog sit opportunity presented itself for September in Vermont, we jumped.  There is not much I enjoy more than a morning hike through nature with a dog at my side.  And this house sit, provided just that.  I was so excited to be in the perfect place at the perfect time.

So as Jan and I got in our car the other day and were driving north on I-95, visions of crisp morning walks, farmer’s markets with fat pumpkins and juicy apples and a canopy of red, yellow, and orange leaves swirled through our minds.  We were an hour deep into these visions when the phone call came in on Jan’s phone.

Cancelled!  At the last minute.  “Wwwwhhhhhhaaaatttt”, I exclaimed!  “What do you mean, we’re cancelled”?  “What happened”?

What happened doesn’t really matter.  The fact was we were heading north and we now had no destination.  What a bummer.

Have you ever had a last minute change of plans?

A disappointment that seemingly came out of nowhere?

Let’s face it, as far as setbacks go, this one was pretty minor.  I mean, it wasn’t like losing your job, your spouse or your health.

But I was expecting a free month in a beautiful area and it was no longer happening.  It wasn’t hard for me to recognize my vibration was no longer “wingman worthy”.

What’s a wingman to do?

Well I’ll tell you what this wingman did. I pulled off the highway to the nearest diner for a breakfast of eggs and potatoes, which always raises my vibe, and Jan and I began a Wingman practice I call the “Three R’s”.

 Reassess. Regather. Regroup.

When things change in your life, a loss occurs, a disappointment, a shift in plans, too often, we as humans can’t see past that occurrence and our vibration reflects that stuckness.  Instead of addressing the big unknown of, “what’s next?” we stay stuck on the problem in the now, only to keep smacking into a vibrational wall of pain.

  Reassess. 

When circumstances change, it’s wise to reassess your situation. 

Ask yourself… “Where am I right now”?  And don’t start your answer with where you thought you were going to be.  That only keeps you in a negative place and it’s no longer relevant.  For us, our situation wasn’t really too bad.  We had a car packed full of clothing, a full tank of gas, and nowhere to be.  That actually didn’t sound too bad.

Regather.

Things have changed; when that happens it’s a good idea to regather your thoughts.

Again, don’t contemplate what was to be, or where you were two minutes prior.  If each one of my thoughts began with, “I just lost a free month on a farm in Stowe, Vermont”, my momentum would continue downhill from there.

Jan and I decided to start right where we were, in a dive diner off of I-95, with a car full of clothing, a full tank of gas, and a month where no one expected us to be anywhere.

“What do we want to do right now” is how we began to regather our thoughts.  We took a minute, cleared our heads, and opened our minds to the possibilities.

 Regroup.

Whenever I coach individuals or speak at workshops about being on the Wingman’s Path to positivity and a more joyous life, I always begin and end with, “Observe Your Vibration”.  It was time to regroup, and to me, that meant getting my vibration, the frequency I was emitting out into the universe, back on a positive path.

How?  By envisioning what would make us happy.  In that moment.

It didn’t take long for the answer to come to us.  We had been to Belfast, Maine a few times in our lives and had always talked about going back.  As the waitress refilled our coffee, Jan got busy looking at Airbnb’s.  By the time we paid our bill, our new course had been plotted and we had plans to stay the next week in a 2-bedroom apartment above a hardware store on Main Street, right in the center of Belfast.

Reassess your situation.

Regather your thoughts.

Regroup your vibration.

And start to be your own Wingman.

You can click below to practice the Wingman Three R’s practice with me…

To being able to pivot your way to positivity when things don’t go as planned,
Your Wingman,
Michael